A certain winged creature and their habits

Gnat (pronounced /ˈnæt/ )
A gnat is the common name for many small, winged insects in the fly grouping. Contrary to popular belief, these tiny flying insects are not “babies,” they are adults. The tiny flying insects that many people call “gnats” could really be fruit flies or fungus gnats. Depending on species, gnats can be biting or non-biting and will feed on plants, other insects or blood. Gnats are never able to stay still. 

But this post is not about a gnat. It's about me.

My husband says that I have the patience of a gnat.

It's not that I can't wait. I can. But...

...my fingers get clammy...
...my brain goes into overdrive...
...my heart palpitates...
...and I start to itch and hyperventilate. 

I consciously tell myself to calm down and breathe and when that doesn't work, I imagine myself playing the freeze game (the one where when someone stops the music, you freeze on the spot until the music starts again).

If even that fails, I imagine myself in a box wrapped in multiple layers of wrapping paper and I mentally tear it apart, layer by layer, just to slow myself down.

Sometimes I wish I was a bear. So, I can hibernate during my 'winter of waiting' and wake up when the waiting is over. 

I'm just not the 'wait and see' sort of person. I'm the 'plan, do, see, tweak, see, repeatedly tweak till perfect and see' sort of person. 

If I have 5 miles to change lanes, I do it at the first mile. I used to study at the 11th hour just because I couldn't handle studying then waiting for the exam day. I met my husband (then boyfriend) and got him to sign a contract on the first week to commit to marriage. 

I don't have the patience of a gnat. I have never been able to swat a gnat just because I have never been able to wait long enough for it to settle down. 

My husband on the other hand, has the patience of a mantis, he can wait. He can stay so still that butterflies sit on him.

Good things come only to those who wait? I really hope not.

When Flowers Bloom

When I was young, we use to have a plant at home, that would have one blooming flower per year. Just a miserly one for 365 days of life. After 365 days of water and fertilisers. When my mum first told me that, I naturally didn't believe her. I mean, she also told me about immortal blind snakes that vomit a pearl every 100 years on a moonless night and uses the light from the pearl to find prey and other equally almost unbelievable 'facts'.

...and so I waited (very) patiently...month after month...making sure I added extra fertilisers and water after my mother's gardening sessions, just not to take chances...

...lo and behold! When I was almost giving up and adding this to my mother's list of 'facts', somewhere in November, I saw the signs of a flower! A bud...unfurling little by little...doing a striptease of what might be inside...I kept a faithful vigil on the first night and the next. The third night was Boy Meets World night. I had waited 300+ days...I could miss ONE episode of a sitcom. Right? 2 seconds into the theme song, I was plopped on the sofa, giggling at Cory's antics. I'd walk out during the intervals, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. 

Then there it was! Half hour later...the flower! Aargh! It didn't bloom when I kept watch, it didn't bloom during the intervals, it didn't even bloom during all the nights I was asleep...and it had to bloom right then when I took a break to watch my favourite show! Just in that 10 miserable minutes between the last interval and the end of the show...HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT?!!

I kicked up a fuss that night at my mum for not calling me out when the flower was blooming. But she just said "How would I know that the flower would bloom?! You CHOSE to watch TV anyway" (well she said many other things that I choose not to disclose).

I wish I could say that I learnt my lesson and I watched the next flower from that plant bloom but I didn't. We moved to KL a few months later and the plant was left behind. I never saw it again.

Over the years, I've come to realise that life is very much like that. You have only one chance at it.

One chance to catch your father's hand the first time he falters...

One chance to be there for your mother the first (and only) time you see her breakdown for real...

One chance to tell your brother and sister that you love them more than anything...

One chance to watch your niece fall asleep in your arms WHILE singing 'Pumped Up Kicks'...

One chance to catch your day-old nephew smile even before his eyes open...

And one chance to have your husband kiss your forehead when he thinks your asleep...

Coz if you miss that one chance, flowers bloom, children grow up, people die...

...but most of the time, you just wake up and the moment is gone. You can't even miss it coz you didn't even realise it was there in the first place and you will never know what you're missing...

If I had to do it again, I would CHOOSE to sit with my mother and watch that dang-ed flower bloom.

(Or buy Morning Glorys instead, at least I only have to wait till the next morning if I miss it).

This one or that? Choices, choices...

When we shop for shoes, we try on a few (or more), comparing cuts, sizes, patterns, colours...before finally choosing the ONE that deserves to join the rest of our collection in our shoe closet. Sometimes, after many trials, we walk away with nothing, saying "if only it was a darker shade of blue..." Or sometimes we end up buying something only to regret later and say "I should have gotten the other one, DANG!"

Be it shoes or clothes or brands of mayo on the supermarket aisle, we compare, we weigh the options and we CHOOSE. We don't pick things coz it's there, we don't even say "well so what if I can't get the right shade", or "never mind if if its slightly broken, I'll just get it, I don't have a choice" Nope! No can do. We make our choices and we make it right. Really thinking things through so we don't make a mistake.

But when it comes to life, it's whole different set of rules we play by, right? We don't give choices we make in life as much thought as we do when we buy a shoe or a dress...

For instance, how many times would we have made promises to meet a friend or family and not keep it coz "I have an urgent ad-hoc meeting" or make someone wait for us coz we "just have this last line of email to finish"?

...and how many times would we have justified it by saying,"I don't have a choice, it needs to be done" or "He's my best friend, he'll understand" or even "Not that I don't want to, I was asked to stay..."

It just makes it easier to shrug off all responsibility, to not admit accountability to the choices that we make...because at the end of the day, that's what it is, life is a culmination of all the choices we make. 

Every time we stop to gawk at a dress on display while someone waits for us, we are choosing to do it. At that time, we deem the dress more important than the person waiting. Every time we choose to work at home although we know our parents or siblings or kids would love our company, we choose our work over them. Every time we choose something, we do it at the expense of something else.

Some choices can be difficult to make. Like, career growth versus relationships, 'me' time versus time spent with friends...How do we choose?

Well, nobody said it was easy...Life can be a B*#%H at times...but that is the way it works...to me, the question I constantly ask myself is "Is it worth it?" coz when I make a wrong choice in life, I can't go back to the store to exchange or get a refund...I can't say "DANG! I bought the wrong color, I'll just get another one next season"

In life, when I make a choice, I better be ready to live with it...so, when I make a choice, it better be worth what I'm sacrificing. Because life does not come with an UNDO button.

X for CHANGE

Be it Facebook or Twitter or any other media, the one thing that never fails to be mentioned, the one topic that constantly hogs headlines and timelines every single day would be POLITICS. 

Ruling party or opposition, they each jostle for the mic and when they do get their 5 minutes of fame, they do any of these three things; which is to take credit for anything that goes right, shift the blame for anything that goes wrong or to narrate a horrifying  prediction of what may happen if the other party were to govern that would put even Nicodemus and the Mayans to shame.

Now, social media has made our lives a whole lot easier in the last couple of years. We see and hear things that we probably would not have if we had lived ages ago. The good, the bad and the ugly...we know it ALL. But KNOWING is only half the battle...what are we gonna SAY and DO about it? That's the million dollar question.

Well, if you're thinking, what's one tweet, one post...how can that change anything? You're right. It can't. But imagine this, 23 million tweets of "What happened to Altantuya? and Where is my tax money going?" or 23 million posts on the PM's FB page or even 23 million letters to newspapers...it takes millions to bring about change but it has to start with ONE.

So, what is ONE vote? It's a start...It's an action...We cannot control the outcome but we can ACT. 

All this time, our education, our upbringing has encouraged us to take conservative, safe approaches...to take a neutral, moderate viewpoint...to go with the flow, to stick with what you know...

But maybe the time has come to, in Robert Frost's words, to take the road less travelled. Maybe, it's time to digress from the usual comfortable path, take a risk, make a stand and pick a side! Maybe, it's time to take all we KNOW and DO something about it.

Maybe, it's time for change...

So, what is ONE vote? It's a 2-second act of determining our future. It's a 2-second act of marking an X for Change.

Goodbye Charles... Goodbye Keith...

One early Sunday Morning  in 2011

"Hey I think I left my bag in the car...with my purse in it...is it safe?" asking my (then) boyfriend

"Trust in humanity sayang..." says he...

MINUTES LATER...

"Is that your car with the broken window??" me, sounding semi-hysterical...

Apparently it was. Someone had broken the car window and stolen my bag which contained my cherished Esprit umbrella, my Body Shop lip balm and the most felt, my one-week old Charles & Keith purse which will always hold a special place in my heart for not staying long enough...

For once in my life, I wasn't crying incessantly or cursing the thief to eternal damnation nor was I praying that I'd get an instant miracle and I'll get my things immediately (all of the above has never been proven to work and yet I never fail to jump from one emotion to another, regret, rage and hope...). But this time, surprisingly, I felt nothing!

It could have been the self-help books that am reading now as part of my job requirements or maybe I just grew up...I don't know...but somehow I kept thinking of the incident and the thief...and I kept thinking only one thing, just one question which I couldn't grasp the answer to...

"Why did they do it?"

Why? Was it the lure of potential riches? Although I do not think that my RM 60 can be considered as riches.

Was it the temptation of adrenaline rushing through the veins when rules are broken and the law is flouted?

Or was it just a sadistic, masochistic desire to deprive others of their belongings (and peace of mind)?

What was running in their minds? 

CSI? MLT...M-MAP!

Acronyms...Acronyms...

Everyone seems to have one to define them...to identify them...MBBS, MD, Ir., PJA, SPGP, SSM, SMN, PMN, Y.B., Y.A.B., et cetera, et cetera...Some denotes profession, some titles and some awards...

I have my own set of acronyms myself! 

When I was 5, I was PiTB - Short for Pain in The Butt. If my darling brother wants to know how his LEGO pieces ended behind the cupboard, that was me...(coz he never shared!)

When I was 10, I was ECNG - English-speaking, Cocky New Girl  where only one other person in the whole school, understood my sarcasm enough to hate me...Owh and that was my sister.

By 15, I was BBW - Bespectacled, Book Worm. (I still am...except now I wear lenses). 

3 years later at 18, I was DaSaSfSTPM - Depressed and Suicidal and Sitting for STPM

At 23, I was IL - In Love

When I graduated at 24, I wanted to be CSI (Crime Scene Investigator) but I could only be MLT (Medical Lab Technician) so I joined M-MAP (Maxis Management Associate Programme) and became an MA (Management Associate).

Yesterday I graduated. So, I lost an acronym. Not an MA (Management Associate) anymore. 

No choice but to be content with just being mrs. Lee Yin Jong, SPAD (Self-proclaimed adorable daughter) of my parents, AS (Awesome Sister) to my siblings and WTF (Well-meaning, Trustworthy, Faithful) to my friends...

Now and Always,
SNK (Seemingly Normal Kid)

Whatever!

My double tall, wet, vanilla latte tasted nothing of the extra espresso shot, had more foam than shaving cream and didn't even have a whiff of vanilla...But I had left the store... it took too much time and effort to go back and get my drink re-done and so, I walked away with my (imperfect) drink. Well whatever! Next time it'll be better. Did it get better? Yep...only when one day I decided to take the time and effort and go back to the counter and request for it to be re-made to order. Worth the hassle? Yep...to the last drop. The price of the latte, RM 10.

A prominent coffee house promised an organiser for every 15 drinks purchased. I made 15 purchases and went to claim my 'free' gift but was told that it was out of stock. I walked away with an unfulfilled promise. Well whatever! I'll get it at a different store. Did I? Yep...only after writing emails to the Malaysian Customer Service, the American Counterpart (franchiser) and posting on the Facebook wall of the local store and the American Store. The price of the organiser (by number of drinks), about RM 150.

I bought a house and obtained a loan from a local branch of an International Bank. They failed to disburse the funds on time and I incurred late fee charges. I was assured by the bank that it would be returned. Well whatever! The bank will sort it out. Did they? Yep...only after multiple visits to the bank manager, countless emails and phone calls and finally a letter to the newspaper got me my money back. The amount, about RM 835.

For every time I stood up and demanded what was rightfully mine, there were countless other times that I just chose to turn a blind eye and walk away. Why? Well, it's just a few Ringgit. Not worth my time, not to mention the effort. But, I'm not the only one. Everyone has done it at some point of their lives. 

We have meals at swanky restaurants but when they get the orders wrong or deliver food late...well whatever! At least I got it...eventually...Why waste time filling in the feedback form?

We pay TNB and water bills monthly but when there are the occasional disruption in power and water supply, well whatever! it's just a day...Why waste the time and effort to write-in an official complaint?

We pay our taxes, but when it's blatantly misused...well whatever! It's not only my pockets their digging into...why waste time speaking up about it?

Well, one day, it's going to be more than just a few Ringgit, one day, it might just be something personal...a waiter mixes up the order and serves peanuts to my peanut-allergic daughter, a corrupt politician who signs my rights away in parliament or even a poorly managed power supply that burns out on the night of Downton Abbey and Suits (O...the horror!)

One day, the 'whatever!' attitude is going to come back to haunt me...and it will be too late to make reparations then.

So, I'm going to fill in that feedback form, send that email, write that letter and speak out when things are not right...and I'm going to do it NOW!

It's not for the money...It's for my rights!

The Lighthouse

Back in first year of college, I usually sat in the 3rd row from the front of the lecture hall. There was this boy who takes 2 steps at a time down to the front and always sits on the 2nd row. In fact, I never needed to check where the lecture was held; I just needed to see where he was sitting to know. He was like the lighthouse that I navigated by.

As years went by, I moved further and further away from the front rows that by the third year of my course, I always sat at the back. There were some subjects (totally unrelated to my course) that came naturally to me. Then, there were others (related to my course) that despite all my efforts, always appeared to be a cryptic code that I could never decipher.

That boy who sat in the 2^nd row? Well, we had a ‘falling-out’ somewhere in second year, simply because he wouldn’t borrow me his homework to copy. What a scrooge?! I thought to myself that if he ever needed my notes or homework, I would definitely not lend it to him. But of course, that day would never come since I never took notes or do my homework before the eleventh hour.

Somewhere in my third year, I shared more classes with this ‘boy’ and I got to know that he wasn’t a scrooge, he just had his principles (albeit weird ones). I also got to know that we shared nothing in common. Absolutely nothing! We happened to take Spanish lessons, to which he drove me to. In return of the favour, he tortured me awake in the wee hours of the morning to play tennis (if that’s what you call it when one person throws the ball and the other misses - to my defence, I was sleepy!) and when that failed, he threw pebbles at my window to wake me from my afternoon nap to go jogging (very slowly). Finally, he resorted to teaching me the guitar (or trying to anyway).

We fought about everything. The radio station, fashion, how we chose to complete our homework and etcetera, etcetera…but we spoke a lot too, about our families, ideas on a relationship, views on a random topic…

I wasn’t going to fall for him. At least, I did not intend to, until he asked me out for a concert, pushed a random guy who came to close and gently flicked away a strand of hair falling over my face with his fingers.

One week later, he proposed.

It’s nearly four years now. We still argue about everything. We still talk about everything. A steady light that has guided me through all my rough patches in life and shared my happy moments, he is still and always will be the lighthouse that I navigate by.

One Full Circle

I was decked in a pink and frilly dress with a hairband to match. It was one of those rare occasions that makeup was allowed on 7- and 10-year-olds…but I don’t remember much from that day…the little that I do remember consisted of the can-can (net-like material that makes dresses poufy) digging through my skin, my lips almost plastered together by the lipstick and stumbling on the tarmac to land on my face, hands and knees and ripping through my panty-hose in the process.

It was my first-ever experience of walking down the aisle.

It was my uncle’s wedding. I was one of the flower girls. My cousins were page boys and my brother was the ring-bearer (more like pillow bearer since he never saw the rings until the end) who led the procession.

Almost 18 years have passed. In 4 months, come 17 November 2012, I will be walking down the aisle myself. But this time I won’t be in front. My dress will be white. Not pink and definitely not frilly. I will be exchanging the hairband for a veil. I hope not to stumble and land on my perfectly made-up face or satin-gloved hand.

I will have a procession of my own. It will be led by a 1-year old, the daughter of my brother the ring-bearer. She will be joined by my uncle’s daughters and son, the same uncles for whom I once walked down the aisle for. The flower girls who once walked with me are now married and would be watching from the pews. My cousins, the page boys would be the men who would help to usher the guests.

We have come one full circle now, have we not?

Butterfly Fly Away...

If you like something, you gotta let it go...and if it is meant for you, it will find its way back...or something like that I've heard...

But really, if you really liked something, why let it go in the first place?

Take for example, dreams...if you wanted to be a doctor, but for some reason had to let that dream go, twenty or thirty years down the road will you be able to do it? You may have the opportunity but will you? Can you?

So, isn't it better, if we had something we like, to just grab on to it, hold on tight and never let it go...and even if it still escapes somehow, we can still say 'at least I tried...very hard'

I guess, at the end of the day, whether we hold on to it or let it go depends on one question...

Is it worth it?

Sunday Morning Soliloquy...

There was a time when I would gladly walk under pouring rain...no worries about the phone in my pocket. I just had to open up my Nokia phone, leave it to dry and 'hey presto!' it'll work like new again...

How times have changed...

I now have an iPhone in my pocket...even the slightest rumble sends me running for shelter...

How times have changed...

Skies filled to the brim with grey clouds threatened a morning shower. But it did not prompt me to hasten my steps...

I actually stopped to avoid an ant trail. The surprising thing is not that I avoided an ant trail, the surprising thing is that I was actually walking slow enough to see one...everything seems to be on fast forward nowadays. I honk at a slow car, sidestep those on a slow pace and run to catch trains when the doors are closing...

Today. Today just seems different...something about it just makes me want to hit the slow-mo button. Walking out of church on this gloomy Sunday morning, I felt like I was the only one awake while the whole town turned over and decided to sleep in...

It was quiet. Even the rustiest engines seemed to whisper. The sound of the tyre kissing the asphalt, usually drowned by the hustle and bustle of the city, today, was deafening.

The sound of my feet crunching the gravel appeared unwelcome against the rustle of the leaves. I felt like an intruder, invading their privacy.

A tiny drop of rain that fell on my cheek could have almost been mistaken for tears...I brushed it off and caught another with the palm of my hand. A perfect sphere in the middle of my life line.

I walked past some dilapidated war-time buildings. It was probably the pride of the city in it's hey-day. The building itself as great as the person within it's walls. Even in ruins, the shadows of it's majestic past is unmistaken. Ignorance seem to be destroying it faster than the elements could.

As I headed step by step to my undefined destination, flashes of memory hit my mind. What has my life become? How is it that I have missed all things around me? In my pursuit of a better life, am I failing to live the life I have? Am I like a horse on blinders with view limited to what's in front of me rather than all around me?

Would I one day be like those war-time buildings...broken by mere ignorance?

Counting the countdowns...

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...kaboom!! heard it last night (or early this morning)...I woke up with a start (considering how early I usually sleep and also that I am so light a sleeper that even the ticking of he clock wakes me). Its Malaysia Day..and also the 3rd countdown of the year...Since I was awake anyway, I was suddenly thinking about countdowns and people's obsession with them...Why do we countdown?

Take for instance, the New Year...what do we think about when we countdown? all the happy things that happened throughout the year? like 10 (got a new job!), 9 (found my soul mate!), 8 (found rm 100!!), 7 (err..), 6 (ran out of good memories...), 5 (dang! now am feeling horrible), 4 (thank god the year is over!), 3 (thank god for a new year!), 2 (but not as if that's gonna be any better...), 1 (AARGHHH!!)...HAPPY NEW YEAR (or NOT!)...or do we think of all the bad things? But what's the point of that? Not as if you can change it 10 seconds before the new year comes...so why do we count it down?

Then there is Merdeka..now Malaysia Day...and who knows what else...why is the last 10 seconds of the previous year or the 10 seconds before the new year matter so much? Why do we let 10 SECONDS discount 365 days that we have...why do we reduce all the good things and the bad into a mere 10 seconds...is that all there is to the last whole year? or the whole coming year for that matter? its like a year's 10 seconds of fame and then we jump back into routine and monotone..10 seconds of fireworks and cheers and slaps on the back then we go back to our 'same ol, same ol..' isnt every new day important? isnt every second we take a breathe and live important?

If a countdown is something that marks importance then shouldn't we be counting down every day? even when we wait for the LRT on the way to a new job (I wouldnt recommend that if you are waiting for the Commuter or Rapid KL buses though...), or when we wait for the bride when she walks down the aisle? or even when we wait for the sun to set or rise each day?

So...why do we count down?

Been there..Done that...

This was the one time that I didnt even have to think of what I was going to call this post...it just came to me...'been there...done that...' or have I? I have finally stepped into the working world..3 months ago, after my final exams, i thought to myself, "am gonna take a week off, then am gonna get this awesome job with an awesome pay packet and finally start enjoying life..." 3 months later, here I am...having done 3 jobs in 3 months and moving on to the 4th..it makes me think a little of the past...of all that i have wanted to be, all that i was...

When i was little (very little..mind you!) i wanted to be a nun (i know a lot of people would laugh..) complete with t black habit, hood and rosary...just like in 'The sound of music'...but that dream ended quickly...as soon as i heard that nuns sleep on plywood, eat less, pray alot and worst of all, don't have Dutch Lady UHT chocolate milk..YIKES!!

Then one day, I heard my mum say in passing that lawyers earned a lot and all you have to do is talk..that made an impression in my young mind...and after that, all that i really wanted was to be a lawyer...until, i read in the local papers that a lawyer got shot with a gun in a busy highway! i mean i wanted money...just not enough to die for it...

So for a long time in my young life, i was floating...whenever any adult asked me what i wanted to be, i'll just shrug and say 'dont know'...and they'll give me this weird look and start singing 'que sera sera...' (aarghh!! after a while i hated that song..who was SERA anyway? and why did she ask SO MANY questions??)

I ran through all the possibilities..doctor (blood - YUCK!!), teacher (kids - ICKY!!), fire/policewomen (uniform not 'girly'), nurse (uniform pretty but patients not pretty...) and the list kept going on and on..

When I reached upper secondary, i more or less started having better ideas (thanks to a wider vocabulary)...for a while i wanted to be a journalist (then i realised i dont like writing serious stuff like news) or a newscaster (but then again, i am afraid of going in front of people)...then i just knew it! i wanted to be RICH and FAMOUS but that wasnt really a job...hmmm...

So after form 5, i did my 1st real job, at my uncle's tour agency and I decided i would own a travel agency, so much money and a chance to meet so many foreigners (and who knows, i might even find myself a rich and handsome foreign boyfriend!! like in the movies where foreign princes come undercover and fall for normal girls and make them famous but then not many princes actually come to Malaysia now, do they?)

So, i went on to do form 6 and then went to work in a bank...have to admit, it was pretty fun...high pay (for an 18 year old..), pretty clothes, off days...and then i thought "this is it! i am gonna be a banker!!" then offer for university came and i said again "why be a banker when i can be a scientist??" so i went on to do 4 grueling years in a science course and came out convinced that i NEVER wanted anything to do with science!

In between those 4 years, I worked as a promoter, customer service assistant, salesgirl and even a stint as a medical lab technologist..and i although i liked it all, i didnt think i would spend my whole life doing any one of it...so i came out of university thinking..(again).."this is it! i am gonna be a banker!!" but eventually i started working as a barista (where i learnt how to make and drink awesome coffee) then i went into a hotel as a front desk assistant (where i decided most rich people are silly and think too much of themselves and so do the staff who handle them..geez..they are people, not GOD!!) and then i struck closer to home and worked as an underwriter...honestly i hated the job! it was monotonous and boring and repetitive..but i kinda loved my friends..they were nice and funny..which got me to think...of all the people that i have met during my 'job experience'

Taking it from the top...in Donaplus T&T, Mr Ganash Suppiah, Ravi shankar uncle, Pastor Dass, in HSBC, Budi, Andy Wong Dai Fatt, Prenisha, Rayven, Sheila akka, Mr Tay Tian Siang, Geetha, in Memory lane, Miss Penny, Joanne, Ken, Kak Ina...in Awana Vacation, Kak Meera and Nurul...in Dutch Lady promotions, Wilson Tan, Fong, Michelle, Shue Feng (her name means snow..) and the 2nd time, alex, bharani, vince, carmen, in Assunta, Angeline, Yamuna, Mr Patrick, Suresh anna, Eeswari, Bairavee, Koh chin yoke, norma...in starbucks, andy, abg hazim, abg khairul, sia pei chun, farid, fatiha, izuddin..in the hotel, kesavan anna, velu anna, muthu, velan, vick anna, jolene..in Hong Leong Assurance, Ku Weng Kia, Eunice Quak Sheau Huay, Nicholas Liew, Oscar, Cherylyn, Kak Nor, the security kakak (i dont know her name)..and then there are the faces..i remember everything about them except their names..in their own way, they have each made a difference in my life, they took something and left something..a memory, a smile, some tears...

And now, here i am again..about to go to yet another job..in Maxis...Is this where I find my niche? Have I finally found home? honestly i dont know..what do i want to be? that is one question that is again going unanswered...

Little.

The little things…

It always is, isn’t it? The little things…although seemingly little at the time…it changes, manipulates and influences almost all the biggest decisions and events…like the little stone in the hand of Shepard boy David that brought down the giant philistine Goliath, like ‘little boy’ that blew Hiroshima to smithereens, like a little raindrop that causes floods that sweep whole villages away…its always the little things, isn’t it? They can make you and they can break you…

The little things makes a lot of difference you see...like, have you tasted custard left just a little too long on the stove? it either congeals too much or it burns...or if you add just a bit too much salt to food, how it blocks every other flavor...and you think to yourself, if only I came a second earlier or if only I put in a little lesser...

Or remember the time you woke up 5 minutes later or couldn't find the keys or maybe stopped to let an old lady pass or even stopped to pick up a coin on the road only to reach the bus stop and find that you have missed the bus by a fraction of a second and had to wait aeons for the next one...and you think to yourself "one second, just ONE bloody second..."

Then there are the little words or gestures that are said and done..or even unsaid and left undone...like when you receive a call from somebody offering a job which you have waited for, for like months and saying everything you knew you had to say and then, the moment you hang up, you realise that you forget to ask them their name and when you call back, you don't know who spoke to you...or that time when you waited months for a call back, and the day they decide to call you, your phone battery dies because you left it on a minute too long, or charged it a minute to less or maybe it was just that one day that you decided charging can just wait a little longer coz u were too lazy to do it...

The little things can be mean at times...like when you see a chick fall out from its nest, and just when you're about to reach it, a cat swoops down on it for dinner...or when you see a glass too close to the table's edge, and you tell yourself "nah...it won't fall" and then it just does, when somebody accidentally flicks it with their little finger...

The little things...they really go a big way...the little smiles, the little sorry's, the little touch, the little memories...the little things...seemingly small when you have them, leaves a big impact only when its lost...

My coffee Experience...

My coffee experience..

I just want a bloody coffee!! That’s what I really wanted to scream, the first time I stepped into STARBUCKS..who wouldn’t if this happened…

Barista: Hi welcome to Starbucks (excitedly..)
ME: uhh..hi..(somewhat hesitantly..obviously it wasn’t a good day..)
Barista: So what would you like today?
ME: Just coffee please..
Barista: OOOkaaay..(Now with a look that said “Really? Just coffee? Is there even such a thing? Hello!! )we actually have a few types of coffee..would you like it black or…
ME: Owh..with milk please..
Barista: So would you like to try a latte, cappuccino, macchiato or just an Americano or brewed coffee with milk on the side?
ME: Err..I guess I would have the coffee with milk on the side (with a face that I think that a Neanderthal would have when spoken to in English…)
Barista: You must mean the brewed coffee then…short, tall, grande or venti?
ME: I’m sorry, what?
Barista: I mean the SIZE ma’am..what s-i-z-e would you like? (showing me cups in different sizes like I was Martian and he was the earthling trying to communicate)
ME: That one! (pointing at the smallest mug)
Barista: Ok..would that be hot or iced?
ME: Hot.
Barista: Having here or take-away?
ME: Having here…
Barista: would you like room for your milk?
ME: Yes..(when I really wanted to say, “no I prefer a whole house”)
Barista: Would you like an extra shot?
ME: Ermm..No (shot? Was he going to shoot me??)
Barista: Would you like to add on any syrup?
ME: Maybe?
Barista: Vanilla? Hazelnut? Caramel?
ME: erm…vanilla I guess…
Barista: would you like your milk steamed?
ME: no please (with a look of horror…why would I want it steamed? Wouldn’t it vaporize?)
Barista: Would you like to have something to eat with that?
ME: No…just the coffee…
Barista: Would you like to purchase a reusable tumbler? You would enjoy a discount every time you use it in our stores…even now…
ME: No thank you…maybe some other time…
Barista: That would be RM 6.95…would it be cash or credit?
ME: Cash…(handing it over…)
Barista: Your drink would be ready in a minute…
ME: ok…
Barista: enjoy your drink and please come again (I don’t really think he meant the second part)
ME: Yeaaa thanks I guess…

That event scarred my life... “never was I going to Starbucks again”, or so I thought…but the addiction had already set in..a few years later, the addiction reached a peak. I needed my caffeine fix more often than before and ‘normal’ coffee just wasn’t cutting it…I was spending more and more on a cup of coffee than on whole meals…so when I got an opportunity to work at Starbucks, I jumped at it…free coffee and I get paid at the same time…but, I told myself, I would never be like that barista whom I had met years earlier…until…

(after a few weeks at starbucks…)

Customer: Could I have some water please?
ME: Hot, cold or plain water, ma’am?
Customer: Cold please..
ME: Would you like it in a mug or take-away cup ma’am?
Customer: a mug is fine…
ME: What size ma’am?
Customer: The small one will do…
ME: do you want ice with it?
Customer: yes please…
ME: Would you like me to add the ice into the water or put it separately?
Customer: Put it in, put it separately, or DON’T PUT IT AT ALL!! CAN I JUST HAVE A BLOODY CUP OF WATER!!!!
ME: Of course…here you go…enjoy your day (smiling…)
Customer: Finally!! Thank you…

And all that…just for a cup of water…

My Life Lately..

A lot of things have changed in my life lately..my weight being the most obvious 1..but that aside..what i would really have to talk about is where i am now. This point in life. Why am I here? Where am I going to? and how am I going to make it? and when I do, who am I going to be?

Its my 4th and Final year in university...When i was younger, it was THE place that I wanted to be (I mean not UPM specifically..but somewhere doing my higher education which i personally would have preferred if it was somewhere over seas but...gotta be happy with what life gives you.. :p) But now, when am actually here (and almost leaving..) I'm thinking...is this what I really want in life? Life in university teaches you a lot of things, many people would swear to that..but what does it actually teach you? It changes you..but into what?

I would have to admit, there were the good times, the bad times and the really horrid times..Speaking for myself and analyzing my life alone...i feel that I am a lot worse than I started out. Its like after Adam and Eve ate the apple and had their eyes opened. If somebody would have asked them 10 years later, they would have definitely said that 'Ignorance is bliss...'

As a child, the only thing that I ever wanted to do (other than to play with my toys and watch cartoons and steal all my brother's Lego pieces that made his truck..) was to grow up. Other than the obvious reasons of wanting to stay up late and going out with the other adults, but it was also so I could EXPRESS my opinions, be who I want to be, make my OWN choices and not have someone else tell me that my opinions don't matter because I am not old enough and tell me to do things because THEY know what's best for me...but as I grew up (and even more since I came to university) I realised that, the older you got, the more people told you this...at least when you're younger, its only your parents (and know-it-all aunties and uncles). but as you get older, suddenly everyone knows better than you about your life. They tell you what to study, where to study, who to love, who to marry, what you should wear, what you should say..and better still, what to feel when you are faced with certain situations...

My question is, who made them the boss of my life? Who gave them the right to decide what I should do and who told them what would my future be like (not as if God came in THEIR dream and told them about MY future..and God forbid, if I do make the wrong choices and fail, SO WHAT??!! at least I learn...because at one point of my life, I would have to walk some paths alone..I would have to make some of my own decisions..If your always there to shine a torch on my path, what's gonna happen when you run out of batteries and I don't have a spare because I never needed them. Who's gonna tell me where to go then?

With that I rest my case...

AAR - Awesome, A**-kicking ,Rocking!! (31/10)

Last Saturday was my first ever concert! Never thought I would say it but...it was quite the trauma! but yet i loved it!! The loud music, the insane crowd, the long wait for the bands to set up, even the squashing when you had to get in ( Although i almost thought that i would have died if i had any more carbon dioxide and any less oxygen..) But really...it was all worth it! every drop of craziness..

I have come to realise several things about concerts..which I would hereby try and explain...

Firstly, the crowd was...indescribably..indescribable. It was like walking into a whole new universe...I have never seen so many different kinds of people in the same place at the same time..there were witches (hope it was just skin deep and not any deeper..), wizards (again..make-up n dress only i hope..), strippers ( less material more skin, all the rage..I couldnt understand the motivation though, were they there to SEE or to be SEEN?? Why do you pull up your tshirts? If you really dared, why not wear it that way from home??), kids (she must have been 9 at the most, and she already gets to go for a concert!! and i have to wait till i am 23..syeesh!) , parents (who probably didnt trust their kids..but seeing their kids, they had a good reason not to..), freaks, geeks and fashionistas..there was something for everyone!

The show started 'on-time', exactly 1 hour later than scheduled (so very Malaysian..) with local bands Disagree, Pop Shuvit and One Buck Short. The local acts were pretty good, actually they were quite awesome (contrary to popular belief..) Disagree even had a brass/school band thing and even malay traditional music for their songs..During intervals between one band and another, freebies were given away by natalie and ean of Hitz.fm. They threw it to the crowd, in front of me (natalie's lack of upper arm strength..ugh) or behind me (ean's excess upper arm strength..) but never reaching me (sad!)..After the local acts were done and the crowd was fired up for All American Rejects, we had to (unfortunately) wait for them to set up (and we waited and we waited and we waited and we..well you get the idea..). But it was worth the wait though..Tyson Ritter( lead singer of AAR is quite a piece of work! (Really..) he was somewhere between weird and...weirder! For those who didnt like AAR music, at least they had something to watch..

Actually, I think i would have really enjoyed the show if some things didnt happen though..One of them being this over-excited, over-energetic, over-...just over-everything boy who just kept jumping (not the problem..) and landing on my foot (obviously a problem..) for about 4 times resulting in a swollen toe the next day and scrapped, split skin..I mean hey, i get the enthusiasm and all but practice landing on the GROUND before you take up flying will you..geez!! But i guess, I loved that guy more compared to another one..a very interesting character..since he reminded me of someone I know..

Now this guy came with his girlfriend (no comments on her looks..) and I bet just about a thousand other people would have done the same but then, this guy must not have realised that since he practically acted like a 'human barricade' to keep other people (and i mean boys AND girls..) from touching her. This i found to be quite disconcerting since there was barely room to BREATHE! and here he was trying to 'make' space so his girlfriend will not come into contact with anyone's skin other than his...Syeesh! if you're that insecure, just get tape the show and watch it at home or better still just get the CD!! Why come to concerts (practically free ones at that) knowing that the place is going to be teeming with people and torture others and yourself as well??? He was the most selfish, weird guy that i have met and would hope never to meet again.Period.

There was also another character, more like a story i think..it neither made my day nor made it worse..its actually irrelevant to my feelings about the concert but worth the mention I think..there was this boy there who's girlfriend must have come later and couldnt find her way to him (not surprising since he asked her to look for a red balloon and there was only about a gazillion red balloons there..boys and directions!), so when he actually found her he kept banging her about it until she sulked..For a while I thought, "geez, such a pity that they were pretty miserable when everyone else was having so much fun..they would probably regret it later that they missed the show, if I was her, I would have ignored him, enjoyed the show first and deal with him later..." but i guess my thoughts were short-lived, a moment later she was all over him..maybe she thought, the fun was too much to miss or she decided that loud music and horrible crowds and red balloons wasn't enough to break her relationship or...well I dunno..and I couldnt find out anyway since she had to..'leave early' (not that I would have asked her even if she stayed..) hmm...

A lot of things changed for me that night, my views on the world and what have the younger generation come to this days..my ideas and feelings on certain things..and well lot of other mentionable and unmentionable things..But one thing for sure, I truly enjoyed my first ever concert ( and hopefully not the last one although currently i am not raring to go for another one any time soon..just too traumatic!)..

Now I just need one more thing to make my social life complete..go clubbing! (when will that day come, I wonder...)

P/S: I really do thank the person who took me for this concert..you have made a difference in my life in more ways than one)... :)

So long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu..

Retrospect PART 1

The place looked deserted. There wasn’t a human being in sight! I couldn’t really be the only one here now, can I? I looked up and down the corridor, couldn’t see a soul that I could ask for help. It was technically my first day in university. It sounds so weird even when I say it.

“I am an undergraduate now…” wow.

I was excited and yet at the same time I dreaded this moment. Something deep down inside told me that I wasn’t supposed to be here. It wasn’t where I belonged. My heart was practically screaming ‘turn back, turn back! Before it’s too late…” I had a feeling that this place I am in is a house made of candy just like in ‘Hansel and Gretel’ and I was none other than Gretel, the smarter of the two but yet so attracted by the dazzling sight before her eyes that she walks straight into a trap of the evil witch and an evil witch I did meet, my genetics lecturer although, she looked all nice and friendly and nothing like a witch then. But that was a story for later. Minutes later, I was led into a room full of…people and I really mean a ROOM FULL. There were about 80 people there. The first person who met my eye was an Indian girl who was an epitome of all things…erm...Indian…she was even dressed in a Salwar Kameez. I wouldn’t even wear it to church, let alone class. I met some other people too but it was all a blur on the first day. Not a cute boy within a 100 mile radius. Later, I came to know that the number was actually 83 including me and these people were my classmates. People whom I were to share the same classroom with, listen to the same lectures with, people I would see in the corridor, basically I would live with them, every day of my life, for the next 4 or so years. I had only one class that day (which was a relief really!) so I could go back to my room and meet my room-mate. Technically I had already met her; I just haven’t spoken to her yet. When I came into the room yesterday, she was on the phone and by the time she got off, I was sleeping and on this morning she was gone even before I woke up.

I went to my room (half of it was mine, anyway…) and the first thing I was to miss about home was having lunch served on the table. My table was bare. Thank god for Maggi-Mi 2 minit (but it tasted better if it was only soaked for 1 and a half minute). I must have been a pitiful sight, sitting alone on an empty bed, eating instant noodles for lunch, looking at the bare wall because I had nothing to do (I didn’t even have a laptop back then…horror!), for when my room-mate came in, she smiled and said,

“Enough ah, eat Maggi only?” to which I just idiotically smiled since my mother thought me never to speak with my mouth full. A while later, after going through a million super-lame lines on how to introduce myself (Geez, who knew it was so difficult!), I did the Standard One textbook version of,

“hi, my name is Sharon. You are…” (and even shook hands!! Syeesh…)

She left for her classes soon after, thankfully, since it was pretty awkward to sit in a room with someone and just stare, and smile awkwardly and avert your gaze when you happen her eyes. That’s when I decided to text my old school friend (who dropped out of my favour after she booked me for having long nails! Kidding…Still love her and we are still friends, since she can’t book me anymore…hehehe…) and what do you know! She lived behind my house…finally I felt that the heavens had pity on me and decided to give me some saving grace…or in my case a friend (which meant much more than saving grace at that moment!) I spent the whole day with her and only went back to my room after I was sure my room-mate was sleeping and she was…

To be continued...

Kelz in Kay-eL...

tis week has been the funnest week ever (for the moment, ratings change evry few week depending on memory power)..i had a weekend with my cousins and bro n sis..it was even mo special coz my long lost cousin (he ws lost for abt 5 yrs) found us in facebook (of al places..) n came over 2 c us..

a bit about kelz..kelvin philip is 20 ( bt doesnt act like it wic is not surprising..sinc my sis n othr 20 yr-old cousin rarely act their age s well..they hv a mentality of a 5 yr-old)..he conditions, blow-dries and waxes his hair (n wen he 4gets he becomes a naruto look-alike)..n has t singaporean (he's from JB) habit of stealing water from Malaysians (us) sinc he nevr gets his own cup of water when he's eating..n he grew up wanting 2 b an astronaut bt ended up doing medicine in moscow (??!!) ..

SO anyway he came over this week n v spent our tym..eating n talking n eating n talking..n v never realised that v r al so old now..(like really old!!) my bro is married n i actually get along with him now (n i dont hide his LEGO pieces when he fights with me..m mature now), vijen's done studying (for now)..me n ravin are finishing nxt yr..vero is working n suren unfortunately has 2 mo yrs to go n kelz hs 5 yrs mo in moscow b4 he gets 2 rly wear a white coat..

Wow..time just runs so fast..it seemed lk yesterday that we were spending holidays in each other's houses playing card games like 'bluff' and 'SAKAI'..n ravin running around naked around the block n we couldnt care less that 'super ring' had lots of MSG n soft drinks had loads of sugar n colourings..we just had fun and whacked everything..

How fast time flies, one day we are all just little kids who's biggest problems were how many presents we're getting for christmas or if we are going to spend holidays together and fighting over who lost the UNO stacko piece.. (it's always vero..) and me and ravin winning at 'sakai' (we never cheated..but evryone alwez WRONGLY accused us of it..) and the next day we are adults with grades and graduation to worry about (especially me since i skipped Finishing School) and girlfriends and boyfriend (or lack of it..hehe..) troubles..and some are married..

All those things that we had years to enjoy and cherish but we didnt coz we wanted to grow up faster and then when you look back, you regret coz you took all those things for granted but you cant do much now so you just go on..and then, one day, when you meet up like this that you realise all those things (and ppl) you miss but you never thought much about until they are staring at your face..

i learnt something this weekend..i learnt that i love my family immensely!! n i wouldnt exchange them for anything in the world!! (not even new shoes..hehe..kidding)..Am so happy that kelz came this week..it was the famous 6 +1 week..just like the old times..except we are..hmm..older..